Charity Event

I’ve been quiet here as I have been so focussed on my charity event and also in the aftermath, I have been so tired… emotionally and physically.

The event itself went well and I raised just over £600 for both charities which feels pretty amazing.

I would have loved to have had more people attend the actual event but I knew that was unlikely. The feedback that I have had from the people who were there has been pretty good though so I know that I did a good thing.

The video of the short play, Dad’s Lose Babies Too is below and it can also be found on YouTube (https://youtu.be/6DeSY_DLfLQ)

I would be grateful for any thoughts and obviously sharing is more than welcome.

I will post the second video at a later point in time.

Thank you for reading x

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Raising Awareness

So I have blogged about my miscarriages here and although this is the internet and anyone can read it, it is still very private as no one in real life knows about this blog.  Therefore I can feel pretty safe putting how I truly feel out here and know that I can still be in hiding.

There are people who know how I feel and who I talk to but for most of the time, I keep it all to myself.

Alongside the blog, I write poetry which I will share a little more and I have also written a play.  In some fit of madness, I have decided to put these all together and put on a charity event to raise awareness of miscarriage and support two charities close to my heart – Aching Arms and 4Louis.

This is completely out of character and I feel completely mad for doing it because I will have to open up and bear my heart and soul.  This will be about me and my journey and I won’t be able to hide behind an anonymous name on the internet.  I also feel like it is necessary and something that I have to do.

So I have planned it for the 11th October – for pregnancy loss awareness week.  I have created a Facebook page and invited people to it.  I have posters designed and a brochure of my poems ready to print and be available on the day.  I have also started the long tedious hunt for raffle prizes.  It all feels so very real now.

But now I am scared.  Scared that it won’t be good enough.  Scared that people won’t get what I am trying to say, or most of all – scared that people won’t come.  I think this is the worst, the feeling that despite everything – I am still not good enough and even though I am trying to do a good thing, it won’t be enough.

I hope it will be.

And sometimes, your hope has to be greater than your fear.

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today I was in hospital having my third miscarriage.  I can hardly believe that it has been year but at the same time, it feels like forever.  It feels like so much has changed, but so much has remained the same.

I don’t really have a lot of words today, but I felt like I needed to mark today, to remember the anniversary of the baby I lost.

We are still no further forward in working out if we are going to try again.  We seem to sway backwards and forwards on this decision.

It doesn’t get easier the further down this path I walk, it just gets different.

Beyond Pregnancy Loss – Step 8 – Sharing

Share your story.  It seems simple but which one do I share?  I will share miscarriage number 3.

Warning – this will contain a detailed description of miscarriage – please take care reading…

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I didn’t even think I was pregnant initially.  Not really.  With all my other pregnancies, I have had an instinct early on and I have known really early on as well.  This time, I only took the pregnancy test after talking with my miscarriage counsellor and because I was going to the doctors for some other tests and he’d ask if I was pregnant.  I bought the test on the way back to work and took it before I got into work.  I was amazed to see the two lines and to know I was pregnant.  However there was no excitement as I had already been bleeding and put it down to my period.  Knowing I was pregnant put a different slant on things.

At the GPs, I told him I was pregnant and he asked about pain and bleeding, both of which I had already had.  He asked about a scan and I told him categorically that I didn’t want to go.  That I knew it would be pointless as it was too early and I would have to go back and have a follow up scan but he said I needed to go to rule out ectopic, especially with the pain.  So I went.  And they dated me earlier than I knew I was and there was nothing to be seen.  There was a pregnancy sac, but nothing else.  I spoke to the midwife who was trying to reassure me that everything would be ok and it was too early to tell.  And when she left me I broke down.  Even when she came back, she was still trying to be reassuring but it didn’t help.  I told her I knew, I just knew and that after six pregnancies I should have an understanding.  I left with a scan booked in for two weeks later, and my midwife appointment the same day.  I never made it to either of those.

Ten days later, on a Friday night, I started to bleed heavily.  And I knew, I just knew that it was over.  Instead of waiting like the time before, we went to A&E.  It was surprisingly quiet for a Friday night.  I remember that.  When we went through, I was examined and I wasn’t deemed at that stage to be miscarrying.  They gave me some saline and then sent me home.  We got home at 4am.

At home I continued to bleed.  At 8am we asked my mam to watch the children as I knew we would be heading back to hospital at some point.  It turns out some point was at midday.  I was feeling really poorly by this point.  As I had already been through A&E that day, we were put straight in a side room and this where things get blurry.  When the doctor eventually came to see us, I was given medication and moved to a side room on a ward.  I remember feeling really faint.  And the painkillers that they gave me made me vomit.

After my bloods were taken, I found out that I had lost nearly four pints of blood and I needed a transfusion.  I was examined again and I needed to go to theatre.  I had a pint  of blood before surgery and a pint after.  I can’t remember if surgery was the same day I was admitted or the day after.  I think it might have been the day after.

The next day, I developed an infection and needed intravenous antibiotics and another night in hospital.  I was discharged the day after.

And eight or so days after that, I had my next counselling appointment and I had to tell her that I was pregnant and then I wasn’t.  All in less than three weeks.  But I didn’t cry.  I couldn’t cry.

Even now, I am supposed to talk about the emotion of all of this and how it effected me but I can’t.  I have a fancy name for this – disassociation.  It’s like I am not talking about me but someone else.  I can see this all happening to her, the person in this story but it’s not me.  Only it is.  I know it is but I can’t feel it.  Not anymore.

It’s the same with miscarriages one and two.  It might as well have been someone else.

I’m not sure sharing has helped me right now.  It just highlights the disconnect I feel between me and the events that have happened to me.

It just doesn’t feel real.

Beyond Pregnancy Loss – Step 7 – Self Care

What would you do for yourself if you were own parent?  Identify three things that will bring you comfort and make them happen.

Hmm.

Self care is hard.  I am useless at it.  Even the basics of washing and cleaning.  I am currently struggling with issues with excess skin and my c-section, as well as my weight gain.  If I cannot master the basic self care aspects of my life, how do I deal with more intense self care?

And if I were to parent myself…I suffered through the effects of non parenting.  Emotional neglect.  I did parent myself to an extent.  But maybe I wasn’t kind enough to myself.  I didn’t know how to be.

But I have been practising some self care.  I am writing again.  And that is the first thing I can do for myself.  Writing has always been a release, I just need to make time to do it.

The second thing I have tried to do for myself is seek help.  I have fought and fought for this.  Even though I still don’t have that help yet, I think I have tried.

The third thing is tougher.  The previous two are things I would do anyway – so maybe it is cheating.  But they class as self care so they count.  If I was a parent, what would I tell myself?   I know what the answer is.  I need to concentrate on what I am eating.  I need to eat better.  I am not happy with the way I am now.  I am not happy with the extra weight I am carrying.  I  need to face it, instead of hiding from it.  I am just not sure I can.

I have lost confidence in myself and in my abilities.  I have lost faith in my ability to follow the SW plan.  And I can’t magic this confidence back.  It is something I need to work on but it is also something I can’t hide from.

Will I manage to do this for myself?   Only time will tell.

Beyond Pregnancy Loss – Step 6 – How to Release Sadness

Find a trigger to purposefully bring on your tears and have a good cry.

Apparently the purpose of ‘Beyond Pregnancy Loss’ is not to eliminate sadness only reduce it so it doesn’t dominate our lives.  At this stage, I don’t think it is dominating my life anymore, but there it is still a large part.  This may be a combination of the PSTD but there are triggers everywhere.  And I still cry, a lot.  However, I cry in anger and frustration more than sadness.  I can’t remember the last time that I cried over the babies and pregnancy losses.

I can’t remember the last time that I was sad for me and my husband and what we have lost.

This is hard.  Not the crying.  I can do that.  But making myself cry.  That being said, this post is making me sad.  And I will no doubt cry myself to sleep tonight.  Is that a good thing?

I don’t actually know.

 

Beyond Pregnancy Loss – Step 5 – Being Patient

Slow down so you can fully embrace this process…

It seems simple enough, but there is always something more pressing.  Something that needs your attention or something that just can’t wait.

If I could, I would slow down and not work.  I would take the time to acknowledge the losses, to grieve properly.  I would also be patient with myself and my eating.  And not rush to try and make things better when I know that I can’t.

But I am not a patient person.

It is not in my nature to be patient.

And at the moment, I fear that I can’t be patient and just wait because it feels like this is breaking me.  I need to do something to hurry this along so that I can be better.  But I won’t just be better though will I?  There is no better.  There is just learning to live with this.

Maybe I need to be patient and just accept this.