Share your story. It seems simple but which one do I share? I will share miscarriage number 3.
Warning – this will contain a detailed description of miscarriage – please take care reading…
I didn’t even think I was pregnant initially. Not really. With all my other pregnancies, I have had an instinct early on and I have known really early on as well. This time, I only took the pregnancy test after talking with my miscarriage counsellor and because I was going to the doctors for some other tests and he’d ask if I was pregnant. I bought the test on the way back to work and took it before I got into work. I was amazed to see the two lines and to know I was pregnant. However there was no excitement as I had already been bleeding and put it down to my period. Knowing I was pregnant put a different slant on things.
At the GPs, I told him I was pregnant and he asked about pain and bleeding, both of which I had already had. He asked about a scan and I told him categorically that I didn’t want to go. That I knew it would be pointless as it was too early and I would have to go back and have a follow up scan but he said I needed to go to rule out ectopic, especially with the pain. So I went. And they dated me earlier than I knew I was and there was nothing to be seen. There was a pregnancy sac, but nothing else. I spoke to the midwife who was trying to reassure me that everything would be ok and it was too early to tell. And when she left me I broke down. Even when she came back, she was still trying to be reassuring but it didn’t help. I told her I knew, I just knew and that after six pregnancies I should have an understanding. I left with a scan booked in for two weeks later, and my midwife appointment the same day. I never made it to either of those.
Ten days later, on a Friday night, I started to bleed heavily. And I knew, I just knew that it was over. Instead of waiting like the time before, we went to A&E. It was surprisingly quiet for a Friday night. I remember that. When we went through, I was examined and I wasn’t deemed at that stage to be miscarrying. They gave me some saline and then sent me home. We got home at 4am.
At home I continued to bleed. At 8am we asked my mam to watch the children as I knew we would be heading back to hospital at some point. It turns out some point was at midday. I was feeling really poorly by this point. As I had already been through A&E that day, we were put straight in a side room and this where things get blurry. When the doctor eventually came to see us, I was given medication and moved to a side room on a ward. I remember feeling really faint. And the painkillers that they gave me made me vomit.
After my bloods were taken, I found out that I had lost nearly four pints of blood and I needed a transfusion. I was examined again and I needed to go to theatre. I had a pint of blood before surgery and a pint after. I can’t remember if surgery was the same day I was admitted or the day after. I think it might have been the day after.
The next day, I developed an infection and needed intravenous antibiotics and another night in hospital. I was discharged the day after.
And eight or so days after that, I had my next counselling appointment and I had to tell her that I was pregnant and then I wasn’t. All in less than three weeks. But I didn’t cry. I couldn’t cry.
Even now, I am supposed to talk about the emotion of all of this and how it effected me but I can’t. I have a fancy name for this – disassociation. It’s like I am not talking about me but someone else. I can see this all happening to her, the person in this story but it’s not me. Only it is. I know it is but I can’t feel it. Not anymore.
It’s the same with miscarriages one and two. It might as well have been someone else.
I’m not sure sharing has helped me right now. It just highlights the disconnect I feel between me and the events that have happened to me.
It just doesn’t feel real.