My anxiety is back and it is high intensity anxiety. I am constantly on edge. Constantly feeling like there is something bad around the corner. Constantly trying to avoid the world.
I know this has been triggered by my charity event. I know it isn’t helping reliving the miscarriages every week but as I have said previously, I can’t undo what I have started.
Work is proving difficult because my brain just can’t function. I have no pressing demands, no deadlines so I go into full on avoidance mode.
My self care is so bad. I can’t remember the last time I had a bath because I am scared of that I will suffer flashbacks of when I dried to drown myself in the water.
I am scared to get public transport because I am scared that people, specifically men, will get too close and accidentally touch me or brush up against me. I am scared of the memories that will resurface.
I want to binge so badly but I went back to SW and am doing well. I am eating better for the first time in months. My IBS and migraine symptoms are receding. I can’t indulge and have a treat because I am scared that once I start on that slippery path I won’t get back off again.
And my counsellor is on holiday this week, so I have no where to turn. No one to talk to because I can’t tell my friends because I am scared they will think I am crazy.
Maybe I am.