Anxiety

My anxiety is back and it is high intensity anxiety.  I am constantly on edge.  Constantly feeling like there is something bad around the corner.  Constantly trying to avoid the world.

I know this has been triggered by my charity event.  I know it isn’t helping reliving the miscarriages every week but as I have said previously, I can’t undo what I have started.

Work is proving difficult because my brain just can’t function.  I have no pressing demands, no deadlines so I go into full on avoidance mode.

My self care is so bad.  I can’t remember the last time I had a bath because I am scared of that I will suffer flashbacks of when I dried to drown myself in the water.

I am scared to get public transport because I am scared that people, specifically men, will get too close and accidentally touch me or brush up against me.  I am scared of the memories that will resurface.

I want to binge so badly but I went back to SW and am doing well.  I am eating better for the first time in months.  My IBS and migraine symptoms are receding.  I can’t indulge and have a treat because I am scared that once I start on that slippery path I won’t get back off again.

And my counsellor is on holiday this week, so I have no where to turn.  No one to talk to because I can’t tell my friends because I am scared they will think I am crazy.

Maybe I am.

 

 

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