So I have blogged about my miscarriages here and although this is the internet and anyone can read it, it is still very private as no one in real life knows about this blog. Therefore I can feel pretty safe putting how I truly feel out here and know that I can still be in hiding.
There are people who know how I feel and who I talk to but for most of the time, I keep it all to myself.
Alongside the blog, I write poetry which I will share a little more and I have also written a play. In some fit of madness, I have decided to put these all together and put on a charity event to raise awareness of miscarriage and support two charities close to my heart – Aching Arms and 4Louis.
This is completely out of character and I feel completely mad for doing it because I will have to open up and bear my heart and soul. This will be about me and my journey and I won’t be able to hide behind an anonymous name on the internet. I also feel like it is necessary and something that I have to do.
So I have planned it for the 11th October – for pregnancy loss awareness week. I have created a Facebook page and invited people to it. I have posters designed and a brochure of my poems ready to print and be available on the day. I have also started the long tedious hunt for raffle prizes. It all feels so very real now.
But now I am scared. Scared that it won’t be good enough. Scared that people won’t get what I am trying to say, or most of all – scared that people won’t come. I think this is the worst, the feeling that despite everything – I am still not good enough and even though I am trying to do a good thing, it won’t be enough.
I hope it will be.
And sometimes, your hope has to be greater than your fear.