Feeling Lost

I’m feeling lost tonight.  I haven’t felt like this for a long time.

I went to the miscarriage support group last night and once again I felt out of place.  It wasn’t anyone else’s issues but mine.  The other two ladies had had later losses than mine and they connected and dominated the conversation but that was ok.  I would have interjected but I just didn’t feel able or that it was right.

And even now, I realised, after all this time, I realised that I felt that my losses weren’t important enough.  That because they were early it didn’t count and it didn’t matter.  I have told many other people that isn’t true, but deep down somewhere inside me I must believe it.

I haven’t let myself think about the losses recently, but the year anniversary of the miscarriage just passing and what would have been my first child’s tenth birthday on Monday, I guess it’s just too much to take in.

I have lit three candles tonight, one for each baby who has died.

They need to be remembered, even if just by me.

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